Santa's Covid Christmas
Ed Handler: Hi Santa, thanks for Zooming with us on such short notice. We need to have a conversation to make sure we are on the same page. I know you’ve been making a list and checking it twice…
Santa Claus: What else have I got to do? I got one job.
Ed: So let’s just jump right into it. I think we have to re-examine the words “naughty” and “nice.” They were fine, you know, 50 years ago. But things have changed. The word “naughty” is kind of porn-y by now, isn’t it?
Ed: Well, some find it offensive now. Also - ‘nice’ - it sort of implies children should be seen and not heard.
Santa: Well, shouldn’t they?
Ed: Um, we try to encourage everyone to lift their voice, to speak, and be heard.
Santa: Yeah except when you don’t like what they say.
Ed: We believe in freedom of speech and freedom of expression.
Santa: And I’m the Easter Bunny.
Ed: What is that, child mythology humor?
Santa: Ho ho ho. Listen, young feller. I know you mean well. No chance I’m changing that after all this time. It’s fairly simple on my end. Naughty - no present. Nice - present. That’s the way it’s always been and the way it’s always going to be. Now if you’ll excuse me…Mrs. Claus said the Succession finale is on and we don’t want to miss it.
Ed: Okay, fine. I guess we can keep that. Maybe we’ll put out an explainer that says we hope to not offend anyone in advance.
Santa: You do whatever you want to do. Come Christmas, it’s me, the reindeer, and NAUGHTY AND NICE.
Ed: Sure, whatever. I’m not going to die on this hill. We have much bigger problems on our hands. Do you have a Twitter blue check yet?
Santa: No, I tried but they said I didn’t have enough links to legitimate outlets. Like the North Pole is not legit enough.
Ed: Ah. Maybe I can make a phone call. We can get that squared away. There is just one thing you could do for us in return. Can you put a few letters next to your name?
Santa: You mean other than Santa Claus?
Ed: Yes. We were thinking, Santa Claus He/Him/His and BLM and #triplevaxxed.
Santa: Doesn’t that define me as a member of one side of the political aisle?
Ed: No, I mean, I’m sure some people see it that way. We just see it as being compassionate. Let people know you are on the right side.
Santa: I’m not on any side. I drop presents in chimneys. That’s all I do.
Ed: Well we think you could be more influential, especially with a blue check. You could, say, convince the naughty kids they should get vaccinated. You could tell them no kids who weren’t vaccinated would get presents. Those presents are for the vaccinated kids. You could also say that Santa doesn’t want to catch COVID.
Santa: Well Santa is vaccinated so Santa isn’t going to catch COVID. And he could catch it from vaccinated kids too.
Ed: We want everyone to be vaccinated.
Santa: Yeah, got that. But this isn’t my job, young feller. I understand you probably have some major suits telling you to make this call but you can tell them from me — go piss up a rope. I don’t play that game. I’m going to drop presents into all of the chimneys this year. After what we’ve been through it’s the least I can do. Even the ones I know have been naughty. How do you like that, breaking my own rule.
Ed: You could set an example. Children look up to you.
Santa: So could you, Ed. Tell your boss he could boost his poll numbers if he and everyone else on the Left treated other people like human beings. That isn’t so hard, especially the side that claims to be “nice.”
Ed: Well excuse me for taking people dying seriously, especially when all they have to do is take the shot.
Santa: All they have to do is quit smoking, quit leading sedentary lifestyles, quit eating fast food. Lots of ways people can die. A 14-year old girl was just accidentally shot while trying on clothes at the Burlington Coat Factory. Millions are going to starve to death after Biden’s sloppy, inexcusable exit from Afghanistan. The risk for children is very low.
Ed: That’s not the point. We need total compliance or the unvaccinated are going to have a dark and deadly winter.
Santa: Not by using me to make kids feel bad on Christmas. That isn’t happening. So maybe you should tell your boss that everyone deserves kindness no matter their vaccination status.
Ed: That’s the whole point. They get vaxxed, leave a copy of their proof on their roof and you can visit the vaccinated with presents. It’s not that hard. Think of the countless lives you would be saving.
Santa: Sorry but Santa can’t possibly get any more creepy than Santa already is. People know they should take the vaccine. They’re deciding not to. They are taking the risk. You protect yourself. That’s all you have to do. I don’t want to live out the rest of my days doing something creepy. Too many people think the whole idea of Santa is creepy anyway. I don’t want to add to it.
Ed: You sound like a Trump supporter.
Santa: You sound like a fascist.
Ed: Fine, skip the vaccines. Can we talk about the climate emergency? Do you suppose there is any way we can make your sled be electric? And then tweet about it?
Ed: But the great barrier reef, the ice sheets, the sea level rise, the land mammals.
Santa: I’m just the presents guy. I deliver presents. And you should tell your boss that the way to get compliance isn’t to order people around like an authoritarian but to extend a hand. Put a little love in your heart instead of so much hate. You attract more flies with honey than vinegar. Just a thought. And if you’re pushing concern for the climate might be time to ix-nay the private jets and the multi-million dollar mansions.
Ed: I can see you are not going to change your mind.
Santa: I rarely do.
Ed: Then Merry Christmas I guess.
Santa: Look, I don’t do this for everyone but since I know you could use a little uplift, there is a Santa After Dark for the grownups who are naughty and nice, especially naughty. I have a special list for that.
Ed: That’s okay. I mean, the last thing I need is to get metoo’d by one of Santa’s elves.
Santa: Suit yourself. I really do have to go. Not a lot of time left. Gotta watch Succession and then hop on in that sled and make tracks.
Ed: Merry Christmas, Santa. I never got to tell you this but thanks for the courtside seats to the Lakers that one time. It really did make my year.
Santa: We aim to please. Merry Christmas back. And Happy New Year.
And Merry Christmas dear Substack readers. Thanks for reading my thoughts on various things. Wishing you the best over the holidays, whether you are naughty or nice. Especially if you are naughty.