Oct 25, 2021 • 17M

Operation: Save Joe Biden's Poll Numbers

(Shut up and Dance)

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The podcast version of Sasha Stone's Substack essays.
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Somewhere in Washington, in a parked car.

Ike: It’s a dumpster fire.

Mike: They’ll bound back.

Ike: Didn’t Elon Musk invent some kind of brain enhancement thing? Is it too soon to get that for Biden? Is it only chimps?

Mike: What?

Ike: Nutrisystem … Nutra grain …

Mike: Nuralink!

Ike: Is it too late to join human clinical trials?

Mike: Don’t be an ass. Everybody gets old.

Ike: Most people don’t get that old.

Mike: The boomers. They built it all. Now, they’re destroying it all. Everything is coming apart. Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer - how did it all go so wrong?

Ike: Seriously, calm down. It’s not that bad. He can bounce back. If he passes those bills the press will be giving him slobbery blow—you know.

Mike: Please don’t say it.

Ike: He’s putting on the heat with Manchin, the press keeps bullying Sinema - how long can she possibly hold out? Although her fashion sense tells me she doesn’t exactly want to blend in. Got Obama out in Virginia to drag MacAuliffe over the finish line. They have Americans whipped up into unmanageable panic and fear with January 6th. They’ll do as they’re told. Polls will rise because that is the story we’re going to tell. Reality is less of an issue than what we say the reality is. Reality isn’t what you think it is. Reality is just a matter of opinion. If we say everything is going fine, then everything is going fine.

Mike: What?

Ike: They’ll bounce back. He’s too big to fail. They are too big to fail. The press, the blue checks - they will not let him fail. They put him in power and they don’t want to look like fools. We got this.

Mike: It’s more than the polls. There is a disconnect between reality and fantasy. The people who are dictating what the Democrats do are themselves completely out of touch with at least half of the American people. What the Right thinks about the Left is closer to reality than what the Left has decided the Right is. The Democrats only have one option to win elections: To scare voters. Rolling Stone comes out with a January 6 piece just before a big election. But what no one ever says is that there were two separate events that day. One was legal and one wasn’t. They’re treating the whole thing, all of the people who were there to protest lawfully and rightfully into insurrectionists. They weren’t. And yet. If they can keep the people scared they can maintain some power. Once that fear goes away, though, they are sunk. But they need fear and fear is destroying the country. Democrats really think that this is the way forward. It is a way forward. To war.

Ike: You’re overthinking it. I’m telling you, the kind of power backing the Democrats right now is insurmountable. We just need to spitball a few ideas to throw out into the public to let them know the Biden administration is on their side. Maybe stop testing baby puppy beagles. Just a thought.

Mike: Oh you mean like removing Thomas Jefferson from City Hall? Pronouns Day by the State Department? This was not supposed to be America’s second revolution. You start taking down the statues of confederates, that’s one thing. Teddy Roosevelt - now it’s getting weird. You take down Jefferson, that’s the end of the American experiment.

Ike: Okay, so those didn’t work as well. We have to think outside the box here. Ice cream, bike rides, that disastrous Town Hall with Anderson Cooper…not working. So what about, you know, maybe a kind of casual fun thing. Slow jam the news?

Mike: BIDEN IS NOT OBAMA! He doesn’t have that kind of charisma. No one wants to see him on TV. The country is falling apart.

Ike: Do you want me to give you a “yeah but” or are you past the point of no return.

Mike: We just dig around in our pockets and find that one shiny penny that gets us off the hook. Yes it was a global pandemic, yes we were so freaked out we were wearing face shields and lining up outside of Costco but when hundreds of thousands hit the streets it was yeah but they’re wearing masks. Yeah but they’re outside. In May. Of 2020. I know what your “yeah but” is going to be. You’ll say yeah but Thomas Jefferson isn’t being taken down, he’s just being moved. But yes moved after being called an offensive racist! THOMAS JEFFERSON!

Ike: Yeah … but …what do you me to say?

Mike: I want you to say Biden will start facing reality. He’ll start being the guy who would never go for removing Thomas Jefferson from City Hall. It’s not that hard. It’s the least you’d expect from a president. The very least.

Ike: Those who voted on it don’t represent the Democratic Party or Biden.

Mike: Yeah but. Yeah but. Yeah BUT!

Ike: Why are you generalizing? Okay, so we all know what Thomas Jefferson did with Sally Hemmings and all that, what this whole country did building itself up to be the greatest country in the world, wasn’t exactly pretty. Do you think the elite class who own million-dollar homes are really going to give them back to the indigenous people they claim to care about? Like Gwyneth Paltrow and Laura Dern? No. Are they going to give away all their money to families living in poverty? Not a chance. Taking away the Jefferson statue allows them to feel as though the right people, long since dead, aren’t around to defend themselves or make excuses or virtue signals on Instagram, are the ones paying the price for progress. That is enough. Take down the statue and they can keep their stuff.

Mike: What we need is someone with courage. Wisdom. Someone to stand up to Twitter. Teddy Roosevelt took a bullet to the chest and still went on to give a speech. He could handle Twitter.

Ike: Biden is just trying to get through the day. And I don’t know if TR could handle Twitter. Public humiliation is a crippling fear.

Mike: They voted for the guy in the middle. The moderate. If you could sum up what they voted for it would be: Not Bernie Sanders. Not Elizabeth Warren.

Ike: They didn’t vote FOR anything. They voted against something. Or someone. The American people don’t know what they want. We tell them what they want.

Mike: What if America is being sabotaged. What if there is an entire army of spies infiltrating all of our institutions and slowly weakening them.

Ike: I think those are just Berkeley graduates.

Mike: It’s all starting to make sense now. What if you were smart enough to destroy a country not with bombs but with ideas. Idea pathogens. What if you could weaken their education system, weaken their military, weaken their scientific research by figuring out how to knock out those who are genuinely the best at what they do but because they might not meet the DEI requirements they have to go work at Costco just to find employment.

Ike: I’m sorry, you lost me, man. Get a grip. It’s not that big of a deal.

Mike: Not that big of a deal? The whole plane has crashed into the whole mountain.

Mike: Think about it: you have no choice but to hop aboard the Woke Express, destination: Utopia. And if you have no choice that means your military has no choice, your teachers have no choice, your media has no choice, your entertainment has no choice. How can a country function when it is at war with its own foundational principles? Think of how easy it would be to get on Twitter and call everything racist. The Chinese totally have our number on that. They laugh at us because of it. They know they just have to press that button and our entire system goes into DEFCON 1. Think of how easy it is to throw us off our game, to scare us into distraction and panic.

Ike: You’ve been watching too much Tucker Carlson.

Mike: Me and everyone else in America. It used to be easier to pivot when no one did.

Ike: But now they do.

Mike: Now they do.

Ike: Even Jake Tapper.

Mike: Even Jake Tapper.

Ike: Even Rachel Maddow. Especially Rachel Maddow.

Mike: I think people are watching because they’re angry.

Ike: Trump is gone. They have nothing to be angry about.

Mike: Except Trump isn’t gone, is he. They booted him off social media just to prove the half the country that votes for him that they are elites who are above even the President. Now he’s got some social media thing that is worth twice what the New York Times is worth. He is headed towards running a business worth 20 billion.

Ike: He’ll screw it up.

Mike: Doesn’t matter. This is only moving in one direction. It means the left is collapsing. You get that, right? Once they start firing editors at the New York Times for words they said on a field trip, it’s over, man. Thomas Jefferson - it’s over.

Ike: Come on, we have a whole army on Twitter. The blue checks!

Mike: What, that’s like 3,000 people max.

Ike: We have Zuckabucks.

Mike: America is an idea. An idea that is crumbling and being replaced by ideas that have already proven themselves failures. Even Vladimir Putin knows this. Even Xi Jinping knows this. They see what America is becoming. They also seem almost sad to watch its decline. I always used to go to sleep at night thinking I lived in the best country in the world and that every other country envied our scrappy tale. But look at us now.

Ike: Look, man, it’s really not that bad.

Mike: It is that bad.

Ike: White men have ruled this country since its founding. So they’re taking a well-deserved hit. Let’s recenter the narrative for a change.

Mike: Oh, yeah, no big deal, like every person who built this country, drove scientific achievements, made the best movies, wrote the best books. We’re just gonna pretend they’re expendable?

Ike: By stomping on and exploiting marginalized people.

Mike: Oh bullshit. Right, like Einstein?

Ike: Pretending is not so bad. This whole country was founded on pretending. Jack Dorsey and Jeff Bezos and Joe Biden are the perfect patriarchs America wants. What you can see is fully compliant, what you can’t see still holds all of the power. Take away a Jefferson statue here, implement DEI mandates there, vote for Kamala Harris. We are all playing a game that all of a sudden we’ve solved the problem of inequity. But it’s all a game, man. It always has been. So let’s just pretend a little longer. That is what we’re paid to do so shut up and dance.

Mike: So what’s next?

Ike: We’re primates. We probably need an alpha male to take us out of chaos in the final analysis. Round and round and round in the circle game. No one on the left has that kind of courage right now so you do the math.

Mike: So after that all that, we’re primates, that’s it?

Ike: Well if I had to guess, yes. Of course if I said that out loud I’d be fired.

Mike: So in other words, Trump 2024.

Ike: Your words, not mine.

Mike: We are seriously going to run a candidate who couldn’t even beat competitors on her own side against Trump?

Ike: Do we have a choice?

Mike: Why don’t we have a choice?

Ike: Because if you critcize her or seek a replacement you will be called a racist, just as you would have in 2020 if you suggested she wasn’t the best choice for Veep. How else are we going to get an overeducated group of social justice Zoomers to turn out?

Mike: Let’s go, Brandon.

Ike: Yeah but.

Mike: Yeah.