Warning: This post contains satire. Proceed with extreme caution. Side effects include bouts of critical thinking and unintended laughter. If you find yourself taking it too seriously, please consult with your doctor immediately.
In the hottest hell of our imaginations, two Fascists and a Communist escape into a corner bar, the Barbarossa.
The black-haired man with a tiny caterpillar mustache sits in an empty booth. He is Adolf Hitler, known to his people as Mein Fuhrer. A shorter man with a thicker, fatter mustache sits at a table in the middle of the room. He is Joseph Stalin, known as Comrade or Generalissimo. And the third man doesn’t know where to sit. Barrel-chested and wide-eyed, with a cleanly shaven face—no mustache—he is Benito Mussolini, known to his people as Il Duce.
“Sit, Benito,” Hitler says, pointing to the bar. Mussolini does as he is told.
A tiny woman with straggly grey hair flying everywhere appears but does not make eye contact with the three dictators. She hovers and awaits her orders, pulling on her white apron. Quivering in fear, she admonishes her considerable sins and accepts her fate.
“What are we drinking?” Stalin says.
“Tea for me in a porcelain cup,” says Hitler. “And something sweet. Pralines!”
“I will just have the usual,” Mussolini says.
“Same for me,” says Stalin.
The woman scurries back into the darkness and emerges moments later with a bottle of vodka, a tall glass of milk, and a saucer of pralines, which she places before Hitler. He rubs his hands together excitedly like a schoolboy. “Mmmmm, my favorite!” Says Hitler, “But where’s the tea!” The woman startles and nods furiously but must first place the vodka on Stalin’s table with a shot glass and then finally serve Mussolini his tall glass of milk.
As the wench turns to leave, Hitler stews. It’s taking too long. He pounds his fist on the table, and the woman races off.
“That’s always been your problem, Adolf. You are too impatient,” Stalin says, pouring himself a glass. “Impatient and impulsive.”
Hitler scoffs. “Enjoy your ‘water,’ Joseph. Do you think we’re that stupid?”
The cursed woman returns, taking care not to spill the cup of hot tea on Hitler as she carefully places it before him. Hitler dismisses her with a wave.
“Water,” Stalin says, “How would you ever know, even it was?”
“We’re already bored of your little tiresome games,” Hitler says.
Now, Mussolini pounds his fist on the bar. “Will both of you SHUT UP? We have urgent business to attend to.”
Hitler and Stalin share a look. Then, both break into giggles.
“WHAT is so funny if I may ask?” Mussolini says.
“You, uh, have a bit of a milk mustache, Benito; it looks like mine!” says Stalin.
Mussolini slides his sleeve across his face, wiping off the milk, but remains defiant.
“Stop laughing, Adolf!”
Hitler covers his mouth to try to keep from laughing.
“Ha Ha real funny,” Mussolini says. “I used to drink milk for breakfast. Now, It’s for my stomach. A terrible ulcer.”
“Settle down, Benito,” Hitler says. “We did not gather here to discuss your dietary preferences.”
“You’re one to talk,” Mussolini says. “Maybe if you’d laid off the sugar, you might have—”
“I might have what,” Hitler says, pinning him with his famous stare.
“Nothing,” Mussolini says. “I’m just saying.”
“Why are you wasting my time with this meeting? What is so urgent that couldn't wait for, you know, eternity?”
Stalin places his fist near his mouth and silently nods at Mussolini.
“Well,” says Mussolini, “We’ve been doom-scrolling X for a while now, checking out TikTok and YouTube.”
“I try to tolerate Facebook,” says the woman, briefly popping her head out of the kitchen, “But it’s like mom jeans as a social network. I don’t even know what is the point of Facebook?”
All three dictators glare at her. She is not invited to this conversation, so she quietly shrinks back into the darkness.
“TikTok is insufferable,” Hitler says. “I can’t use the app. It’s nothing but lost dog videos. Why would I want to see that?”
“I like TikTok,” Stalin says. “Built by Communists. That’s why it’s the best. I like the Get Ready with Me videos. Can you imagine me making one of those? Get Ready with Me While I hire an actor to play me in a propaganda video.”
“Can you stop!?” Mussolini explodes. “I didn’t come here to talk about TikTok!”
“Well get to the point, Benito,” Hitler says. “Always with the melodrama.”
“We are in trouble,” Mussolini says. “Something has gone very wrong in America. Something very strange is happening, and normally I wouldn’t care what happens to that fetid place, but they keep exploiting the word I invented! It all started with me! It was MY National Fascist Movement that inspired fascism all over the world!
“It’s based on the word FASCI, sticks of wood bound together as one. All power to the state! All under the leadership of one! Me! It's MY WORD! It belongs to me! They give ME no credit WHATSOEVER. Nobody remembers Il Duce. Nobody fears Il Duce.”
“Get ready with me while I sideline Trotsky,” Stalin says, laughing. “Get ready with me while I kick the shit out of the Third Reich.”
“You can’t fix stupid, Benito,” Hitler says. “So what? Your word, my word, what’s the difference? Fascism lives on in the minds of the afflicted.”
“Celebrated by the press,” Stalin toasts, before downing another shot.
“It’s always Hitler, Hitler, Hitler. Nobody ever thinks about Il Duce. Nobody even remembers Il Duce. I invented FASCISM! I am responsible for the Roman salute!”
“Stop calling it the Roman salute,” says Hitler. “No one thinks of it like that, come on. It’s the Nazi salute! It’s Heil Hitler!” Hitler takes a sip of tea. “I’m sorry, but it is. Survival of the fittest.”
“Get ready with me as I join the Allied forces…” Stalin says.
“Enough Joseph,” Hitler says. “It wasn’t funny the first time.”
“Imagine a civilization of the richest and most privileged people in the world thinking they’re under threat of fascism?” Mussolini says. “And having no idea what that even means.
“Fascists aren’t complicated. Conform or else. Fascists don’t tolerate people who call them fascists on the app they bought, like Elon Musk. You want to know how you’re living under a fascist dictator? You can’t call him a fascist dictator in major magazines, on social media, at protests — protests aren’t even allowed. Are you kidding me? I got rid of elections entirely. Elon Musk is a fascist, Steve Bannon is a fascist. Are they out of their minds?”
“And anyway,” Hitler adds, “Those weren’t Nazi salutes. Maybe that’s how they did it in your country, Benito, but not in mine. You think I could have conquered the world with that weak-ass shit?”
An awkward pause.
“Uh sure, Adolf, whatever you say." Stalin says. “Here’s the truth: Fascists never played the PR game, and that is why you are so easy to defeat. You live up to the World’s Greatest Evil title. Now, if you are like me, a dictator who pretends to be for the people, for equality, well then, you can survive decades. Look at the Democrats in America. They really should embrace their inner dictator at long last. They’re almost there. They already have the press, the institutions, Hollywood. All they need are gulags.”
“You call them gulags - but what is that, gulag? You’re just trying to make something painful seem nice. I never believed in that. Call it what it is. Let the chips fall where they may,” Hitler says.
“You stole from me,” Stalin says, “And Benito. You’ve never had an original thought in your life, Adolf, have you, except to break promises and violate treaties.”
A long silence falls over the room as this hard truth sinks in.
“Well,” says Hitler finally. “I never believed in pretending to be anything other than who I was. I wrote a whole book about my intentions. I had a plan. Trump doesn’t have a plan. He never did. That’s why they hunted him and his supporters like animals. Now you tell me who the fascists are. No, I accept what I am. I didn’t lie like you did, Joseph.”
“But nobody remembers Il Duce!” Mussolini cries. “What do I have to do to be remembered as one of the truly evil fascists who taught Adolf everything he knows!”
“Once I was but a learner,” says Hitler. “Now, I am the master.”
“Get Ready With Me as I inspire America to fight the Cold War and nearly destroy themselves in the process,” Stalin says quietly.
“We should be very worried about what is happening in America,” Mussolini says, sitting down to rest. “And no, not because of the Cold War. They should be so lucky to have the Cold War back. At least they sort of had a memory of the war. Now? They are imagining that tanks are rolling into Paris. They act like they’re hiding from the Axis of Evil. If they only knew.”
Mussolini stands like he’s giving a speech. “Where did we go wrong that the most educated people in the richest country in the world can be so ignorant? Do they really not know everything we did? They think Donald Trump is the second coming of Der Führer himself, can you imagine?”
Hitler throws his head back and laughs. “To even suggest we’re the same is the most absurd thing I ever heard. Do you think Donald Trump can paint? I can assure you he can’t. ”
There is an awkward pause. Hitler picks up on it.
“What? Are you saying people don’t remember me for my art more than they remember me for—”
“War crimes,” Stalin says.
“Art lasts forever. My art will outlast even the worst things I ever did.”
Hitler waits for Stalin and Mussolini to agree but they just hang their heads and avoid eye contact. Somewhere in the kitchen, the woman shatters a plate.
“So this is what came of our war, all of that carnage, the end of Il Duce’s reign, and they’ve forgotten all about it,” Mussolini says. “It’s like that saying, strong men make better stronger weaker men, weak men make better stronger…”
Hitler explodes, “Hard times create strong men, strong men create good times, good times create weak men, and weak men create hard times! Get it right Benito! For once in your afterlife, get something right!”
“Get ready with me while I build the hydrogen bomb,” says Stalin, cackling, taking another shot. “Okay maybe it really was vodka. So hang me.”
Mussolini sighs, “Americans have invented fascism where no such fascism exists and look at them, they are cosplaying our war - how out of touch and deluded can you possibly be? What happened to them? How did it get like this?”
“Karma is a bitch,” Hitler says. “In the end, undone by stupidity. Could it really be that all these decades later, they think the worst thing I ever did was make an offensive joke or mock the powerful? Deport illegal immigrants? Idiots. No self-respecting fascist would even have press briefings or any media at all, not to mention elections or trials—The AP, give me a break. Peter Baker, please. All those protests that summer, autonomous zones. Do you think I would have stood for that? They would have been shot on the spot. Even Benito here wouldn’t have stood for it.”
“What do you mean, ‘even Benito’! If it weren’t for me—”
“They are coddled,” Stalin says. “We would not have stood for that in my day. They are all on psych meds to numb their imaginary trauma - it’s all they think about. They see the Roman salute everywhere. They think everyone’s a Nazi. They are glued to their phones. One joke on Twitter, and they collapse into fits of hysteria.”
“They don’t realize how close they are to gulags. It’s the answer to all that ails them. They just have to decide that they really want their utopia all to themselves. They’re almost there,” says Stalin.
“Who would have thought they’d all forget,” Hitler says. “If they believe that MAGA is the Fourth Reich and that Trump is as bad as I was, they have absolutely no awareness of facts, let alone history.”
“Well, welcome to club. They forgot about me long ago, and I’m arguably the worst of the three of us,” Stalin says.
“No, I’m the worst,” Hitler says.
“NO! I’m the worst! Il Duce is the worst!”
The woman starts clearing Hitler’s dishes, “Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others.' I heard that somewhere," she says. Then she shrugs and disappears.
“Why am I wasting my time,” Hitler says. “I’m sorry no one remembers you, Benito. Maybe you just weren’t memorable. You did your best, but your best wasn’t good enough.” He heads for the exit, “And you, Joseph, I guess you caught a lucky break. You survived. Your movement outlasted us all.”
“Fascism, Communism,” Mussolini says, “Once civilization collapses, they’ll come back.”
“And I’ll still be more famous than either of you. Good day.” And with that, Hitler exits.
“You see,” Stalin says, “Therein lies the problem. Once Hitler leaves, what else is there to talk about?”
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